Thursday, January 14, 2010

Family, Parties and Swamps

Family, Parties and Swamps.

1) The truth.

“So I guess we are dead Bob. I am so sorry you got hurt. Well, I have a lot of unfinished business to take care of too. Look at you dude, man I need to help you too.”
“Not your fault. My neck hurts I think.” Bob said in a whisper.
“Yeah about that, you have a slit throat. You shirt is blood soaked and you look drained. I am so sorry.”
“You didn’t cut the brake lines on your Camaro. This car may be a 1969 but it was in mint condition. I know how much you have put into it.” Bob said.
“Thanks Bob. So how bad is it? What do I look like? I am afraid to look.”
“You look like you are wearing a steering wheel in the middle of your chest, your legs look bent out of shape. Oh man, your arm is really bloody and kind of dangling.” Bob said.
“Ok. I have a party to go to. Please come with me it will explain so much.”
“For you, sure. I just don’t think my voice will last.” Bob barely spoke.
“Just mouth what you want to ask or know. I hope you are not in pain.”
Bob shook his head and smiled and mouthed party time. So off to the party we headed.
“So how do you like my party? Real nice of me, considering huh. Well this just isn’t going to end well. Who are all these people? Ok let’s start at the head table. The old guy my Dad, that’s Harvey he’s mister big shot my shit don’t stink. Now that’s a joke. Along with his lovely bitch of a wife Estelle. Oh yeah, she just a peach, hates all her kids and step kids equally. This is the big anniversary of twenty seven years. Oh, wait the guest all think it’s the big Fifty Five. That’s the small crowd of older people. All dressed up and soon to be shocked.
The small table with four nicely dressed middle age people. The tall brunette is my sister Kathy. The man in uniform, he is my sisters husband Jack. Colonel in the marines a real tuff guy. The short red head lady my step sister Patsy. Super nice what I know of her. We have met three times. Now her husband Dennis, he is a real shark of a lawyer. Both of these ladies are wonderful women considering what they have been put through.
Like I said earlier, the guests they all believe these two have been married forever. That is only one of the big surprises tonight for my guests. Harvey and Estelle moved down here ten years. These poor old fools bought lock stock and barrel as they say, to their line of crap. The girls are sisters and I am the only son who lost his way. Not a good boy because I lived with my real Mom. The guests think I was just a renegade chasing Bigfoot.
Yes that’s my private detective tonight our master of ceremonies. Those large folders hold all kinds of neat stuff to unhinge Harvey and Estelle. So let the party began.”
“Good evening. This party was put together by Michael. Sadly he can’t be with us tonight due to his untimely demise.” Mr. Raven clears his throat.
At that Estelle turned dead white. “That pleases me some.” I said to Bob.
“Well Patsy this is all the information on your real father. Michael regrets that he couldn’t of gotten this to you sooner. Your father died two days before Michael found him. He was deeply sorry for your loss.” The room was dead quiet.
“Kathy your brother got two doctors to admit that you didn’t need to be gutted. You just needed to heal and could have been put back you didn’t need to have an ostomy forever. They knew that the surgery could have killed you. You were so sick and weak and they hoped you would die. She really is an evil step mother.” Mr. Raven said so stern.
“Now this is your life Harvey and Estelle. They have been married twenty seven years now. The girls are not real sisters. Michael and Kathy are real siblings. You also have a half sister Lula who is mentally ill. They have a Mother in Texas married to another man. Patsy your father was alive all of your life and wanted you. The funny thing is Estelle has been seeing him yearly for the last fifty years. He thought you were her second husband’s daughter. Yes Harvey she cheated on you and you were number four, in the husband department. He liked cheating on you too.” Mr. Raven said.
“This place is so quiet. Look at them they are in shock. There is nothing like a big surprise at a party. Looks like a few of the guest want to leave. And before dinner is served too.” Michael said.
“Now let’s talk work histories and what really happened. Ladies first, Estelle never was the head accountant. She was a secretary in the secretarial pool for six years. She then married Harvey and stayed home to well we don’t know what. No she didn’t run a large real estate company and wasn’t the president of any such thing. No large financial company listened either.” Mr. Raven took a drink of water.
“Harvey, no we haven’t forgotten you. Yes, you were an engineer but nothing special. The time in the military you entered at the end of World War II. You did make it up to the rank of corporal. No, you didn’t fly missions in the Battle of the Bulge. You entered the army in 1944, June no less, that was boot camp. As for your education well you did finish high school. You never went to college and you do not have a doctrine, earned or honorary.” Mr. Raven said.
“Mr. Raven read the text I wrote perfectly. He really earned his pay check tonight.”
As he stepped down, he handed both Patsy and Kathy folders. The guests were leaving, the place was dead quiet. Within five minutes the place was empty except for Harvey, Estelle, and the girls.
“Oh yes, just one last thing.” They all turned to Mr. Raven.
“Michael sadly was murdered. It may have been by Lula, we have more research on it but. Someone had the brakes cut on his Camaro. As he drove around the top of mountains he went off the mountain. He wasn’t alone either. So someone had two people killed. As father of these kids, you should be ashamed of yourself. You’re a disgrace. No real man would allow anyone to torture and kill his children. I hope you enjoy your trip. I see your limo driver waiting.” Mr. Raven walked out.
“The limo driver is John, real cool dude. He hunts big foot with me, day time he owns the limo service. He is doing this a favor for me.”
“This way please.” John opened the limo door.
“It was nice to see the girls for the last time. What, oh why? Well after I finish this business I’ll be almost done with my unfinished business. What else do I have to do? Well man I’ve got to find Bigfoot! Stop laughing. So what’s your unfinished business? You can tell me later. My sister and her husband are leaving.”
“No good bye. I am not sorry about Michael.” Estelle shrieked.
“Not in this life time. When your burning in hell you can keep on thinking about how you killed my brother, tried to ruin Patsy’s life. And lets not forget how you failed at doing me in. Burn in hell bitch.” Kathy and Jack just left not even looking back.
“Well I never!” Screeched Estelle.
“That is a good idea burn in hell. You have always been a sorry excuse of a mother and person. Waste of human DNA.” Patsy and Dennis picked up her folder and left.
“As you can see my buddy John is their only ride now. Now this where it gets real good. Shall we follow, ahh John ever the professional opening the limo door.”

2) Limo ride.

“I told you those kids were no good.” Screamed Estelle. She threw her handbag on the floor of the limo.
“Did you kill Michael? Why? He was a scientist.” Harvey yelled back.
“I wish, big shot scientist, he hunts Bigfoot. That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.” Estelle snarled.
“Shut up until we get home.” Harvey said.
“Have you read this?” Estelle was fuming.
“No you have it. Shut up.” Harvey was thinking of a new story to get his ass out of this one.
John drove out of Alabama and into Louisiana. Neither one of them noticed. Both dozed off as he headed through to the swamps outside of Lake Charles.
“It was a good thing the party ended early, 7:30. John has five hour drive to our honeymoon hideaway just for the two of them. John’s lead foot is a good thing tonight he is making good time.
Nice night huh, full moon and those stars so bright. Yep here we are in good time. Louisiana interstate then we turn off down a few roads not marked well. We will travel down a few that aren’t even on maps. Yes it’s a bad road but it will not get any better they get worse. It’s real dark. Lost, me never. Here we are cool huh! It’s just a hut no glass windows just good old fresh air, mosquitoes and no toilets. But we do have two folding chairs and a small table with a lantern. Look still asleep.”
John picked up Estelle first and carried her into the hut. He laid her on the floor so nicely. He then carted in Dad. Both sleep through the trip and out of the limo. John left, he has to work tomorrow afternoon.
“So there they are.” Bob worded.
“And look no food, no jail cells and no idea where they are. They both hate camping. I think we should wake them in an hour, old people need rest. That would make it 1:30 in the morning, six hours of sleep is good. How about a storm, wind, rain, hail and lighting the works. The kind that makes you jump out of your skin. Want to help? Thought so, fun huh. The two of us can whip up a real whopper of a storm. I want to torture them as badly as possible. I know in your life you were a real bad ass that’s why I ask your help. So let’s start whipping up the storm of a life time.”
All you could hear were frogs and crickets and the night, very peaceful. Then we let it rip loud, crack of thunder and lighting it hit beside the hut.
Everyone jumped. You could see and smell the smoke of burning wood. A storm as bad as any hurricane. The rain began hard with pea sized hail. Then the rain came down in buckets.
“Ahhh!” Estelle screamed.
“What the hell?” Harvey said very groggy.
“Dad so how was your trip with the bitch?” I just smiled.
“You’re dead.” They both said.
“Nothing ever gets by you two. You two may be soon too. But first let’s have some fun.” We laughed at them.
“This is not funny Michael, we are leaving. Where is the limo Michael?” Dad asked in his I am the boss voice.
“Gee, my guess gone. Why don’t you two start walking. Head north no east or maybe south how about west. Now isn’t this fun?”
“You’ll regret this Michael.” Estelle threatened.
“About that, the police are at you house, search warrant and all. So you two will regret what’s been done.” I said.
As I raised my arm and lighting struck the roof of the hut. Good old corrugated metal nice and loud then the whole shack shook. Both began to rush me. Yeah like that’s going to help them. I stepped out on the bad side a slight ten foot cliff. I floated but both of them landed on their asses sliding down the mud. Now the fun has started. Nice and dirty lots of bug bites all dressed up and a swamp to walk around in. Both struggled to get up and walk or run.
The rain got harder and we have golf ball size hail. Both jumped and tried to dodge the hail as it fell harder and faster. They slipped into a small creek. This creek is about four to five feet in spots and well the gators love it. Lots of frogs and snakes eat in it as well. Estelle was grabbed by the ankle by a baby gator. She was pulled down into the creek and was heading to the gulf. Dad foolishly grabbed her arm and yanked her out. The gator got a good chunk of her leg. Now that blood is going to bring them more trouble. It’s a calling card for both gators and crocodiles. Old witch yummy for critter tummy. Both are wet, bug bit, have sore butts and Estelle has a huge chunk of her calf bitten off.
Not good enough we need more baseball sized hail, wind and loads of rain. Then we need more mosquitoes, spiders, ticks, fleas and leaches. Is that a nice big fat leach on Dads arm or Estelle?
“Now we are having fun yet?” I ask.
They are now slipping and sliding around. Half in the creek and well swamps love to eat shoes. Somewhere along the way Estelle lost her high heels now old Dad is missing a shoe. Both are trying to run now that’s funny.
“Watch out you are headed for a small hill. Ouch, both down and rolling into the creek. Now that’s a splash.”
Harvey hit his head on a large rock his head has a gash and bleeding. That leach is still hanging on. Estelle is floating down the creek and just hit a fallen tree. Harvey is unconscious, Estelle can you believe just screaming for me.
Look two gators are headed for her. Shall we hit her with a bolt? Alright a good zap in her big butt and a swarm of mosquitoes. She needs some leaches too. Now look at the gators one on her arm and one on her good leg pulling her like taffy. She is going under, ahh up again her arm looks like pulled pork BBQ. That older gator’s got her leg and chewing away.
Dad is up and heading to Estelle. The young gator now has her arm and gone back into the creek and blood is flowing everywhere. Her leg is almost gnawed off. Dad’s awake now and is hitting the gator with a branch now that’s not right. He needs to learn respect for wildlife. Alright! You hit the old slob right in the arm, lighting hits sparks fly. He’s on his butt now. Thanks Bob. Look at Estelle crawling toward him. Let the lighting rip now and the hail to softball size. A few to her head and a zap on her back side she is down. But is she out?
Now that’s a good piece of hail that hit Harvey’s old bald head. Estelle is bleeding badly and white as a ghost. Harvey is bleeding but not bad. Estelle on the other hand is gushing blood. The weather isn’t helping them. Well we need to give old Harvey some lighting in his butt. He’s down, hit that fat head on a big old rock, so let’s leave them here to rot. Someday someone will find the remains.
“So what’s your unsettled business? Oh you want revenge on your business partner. What did he do? Need my help?”
Bob nodded yes.
“Great let’s go. Being dead is not so bad.”

3) Back home.

“Hi Patsy, can you talk?” Asked Kathy.
“Of course. What is up?” Patsy said.
“The police called Jack and it seems they found them.” Kathy said.
“Where?” Patsy asks.
“Get this in the swamp in Louisiana very close to the Texas border. The police think they were trying to escape and got lost. That storm caused a fire and they were found in an old hunting shack. Estelle was dead gators got her. Harvey died on the EMT’s truck.” Kathy said slowly.
“Are you OK Kathy?”
“Yes. Just sorry I never got answers. Well it wouldn’t have been the truth anyway.” Kathy said.
“I know. Dennis said not to worry.” Patsy said.
“Well we can all account for our where a bouts. They never did find that limo driver or the limo. The police think they paid him off. A large sum of money is gone.” Kathy said.
“How much money?” Patsy asks.
“They didn’t say.” Kathy said. Along pause and then she said.
“We were told that we need to keep a look out. Lula is out of the institute, she escaped and is armed and dangerous. Were you called?” ask Kathy.
“No but she didn’t know me really. I am glad we have that information. We are leavening for our home in the Bahamas tonight. I’ll send you a card.” said Patsy.
“Well if you need anything call Kathy.”
“Thanks Patsy, bye.”

The End, sort of.

Most stories begin with once upon a time in a happy…. The stories end with they all lived happily ever after. Well sadly real life isn’t a fairy tale some are nightmares. This is how it is.
Being dead isn’t all that bad. I have now found Nessie in Scotland, Skunk Ape in Florida and what may be a Yeti. Bigfoot and I have yet to meet.
Bob and I took care of his business partner, he is now in a rubber room at the laughing academy. That poor man thinks he lost his mind. His family is sure he lost it with his babbling on about ghosts.
I have taken care of business and try to help others. Some ghosts don’t know they are dead. I have helped a few who were treated badly in life and some who just wanted their loved ones to know they are ok.
Me, I will keep on my searches of monsters and helping others. See being dead isn’t so bad once you get the hang of it. It turns out that my half sister Lula cut my brakes. She is a very hateful person and sadly turns on anyone who is kind to her. It seems she is out to harm anyone she ever knew. Lula will be on the run the rest of her life stealing from everyone she encounters. It seems she is a lost soul. I am sure I will see her soon on my side of this world.
Sweet Dreams.


  1. Lulu sounds like a riot, In a manner of speaking. Thank you for this link, I enjoyed reading this. It confirmed my darkest fears about families.

  2. Princess Gwenie - Get out of the house, now! Blondie has a very dark side and I'm concerned about your well being. Sneak onto the first Greyhound bus headed west that you can find, and ride it all the way to the end of the line. Call me when you get to Venice Beach and mom will come get you. Hurry!

  3. Some families are bright...some families are dark... You've capture the worst of the worst. Congrats!